


die for you in secret

by clairesaffitz



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 12:13:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25849354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clairesaffitz/pseuds/clairesaffitz
Summary: “They were both dancing around, well, something Asami was too scared to name. They both knew it, but there was no time to voice it. There were far greater things to worry about.But they could still pretend, just for an hour or two, that they could have this. What’s more important than this? Certainly not Republic City, certainly not a war.”(or, asami stays up the night before kuvira attacks republic city, remembering the three years she spent alone)
Relationships: Korra/Asami Sato
Comments: 7
Kudos: 182





	die for you in secret

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing anything that wasn't an academic paper or poetry in a long time so bear with me!! also edit: just realized ao3 messed up my formatting but she's fixed now!! sorry if that was confusing to read before 
> 
> follow me on tumblr @mailesbian

Asami had resigned herself hours ago to the fact that she wasn’t going to sleep tonight. She was too wired, too in her head just going over and over plans of where _I’ll be and where Korra will be and keep everyone safe keep everyone safe._ She almost wished everything would just come crashing down right now, wish it would break her out of her own misery so she could stop feeling like her body was a moment away from crumbling into pieces on the ground.

Where she stood on the balcony was too peaceful. A bird perched at the far end of the railing was just beginning its morning song. She had maybe an hour before sunrise, two hours at the most before she had to be dressed and ready. She knew what was coming, she knew the end of – well, the end of something – was near. But as Asami looked over she thought about how the bird would never know the danger it was in. After this was all over, the bird would wander back to the city, away from its hiding place it found when the battle began, and would resume its life. Whatever happened, the world would keep moving forward. She could lose everything, and the universe wouldn’t blink. There would be no reprieve, Asami would wake up the day after having everyone ripped away from her and she would need to keep living.

 _No._ She thought to herself. _I just got them back. I just got her back. I can’t lose them now. She’s been hurting so much for so long and I wasn’t there for her. I can’t let her lose herself again._

She squeezed her eyes shut as if to block out the thought. Asami barely registered her hands clenching into shaking fists, her nails digging into her palms so sharply that it would surely leave a mark later. She could barely feel it.

The last three years were the hardest of Asami’s life. Shortly after Korra left, Bolin joined Kuvira, leaving Republic City to travel and help the Earth Kingdom while Mako drifted away into his role as a bodyguard. Life was moving on, and it was moving faster than Asami could keep up with. About a year into being alone one of Asami’s assistants approached her.  
 _You can only bury yourself in your work for so long._ She said that day. _I’m worried about you. We’re worried about you. More often than not we come to work in the morning to find you fell asleep at your desk and spent the night cramped into that tiny desk chair. I’ve never seen you take a day off, even during the weekends - don’t you feel tired? Do you want to see if we can get in contact with your friends? It’s been a while since we’ve seen them around here._

Asami almost said _they don’t need me anymore but stopped herself short_. She was tired. So so tired, most days she had trouble finding a reason to get out of bed. It made sleeping at her desk the most reasonable option.

And she couldn’t talk to Mako or Bolin about it either. She could tell they were busy, too caught up in their own lives to deal with the fact that Asami had built her own world around all of theirs. She didn’t want to bother them with that. The only person she really wanted to talk to about being away from everyone – away from Korra - was Korra.

So, she wrote until her hand cramped with exhaustion then she shook it out and wrote some more. Korra had gone to the South Pole to heal, Asami knew she was probably too busy to reply most days and that was okay. She knew that. And past that, Asami understood how hard it was to find the words you’ve been wanting to say the most. And that too was okay. For the time being, Asami could write enough for the both of them. Writing to Korra was the only time in those three years that she felt like she was in her own body again instead of simply drifting around, observing the world from afar. So, she told Korra about everything: her day, the books she was reading, how the company was doing, and always ending on how much she missed her. How much she loved her. And how she was waiting for her to return.

Writing to Korra so often came easy to her, but months went by and the lack of replies began to build and build like a weight on her chest. At first it was fine, Korra needed time on her own and that was most important. But as life kept moving forward Asami felt herself remain stuck in the same place she was the day Korra left. One day, about two and a half years in, she broke. It was in the middle of a meeting with stockholders, all older men who looked at her like she was just a child who got lucky, a little girl who was playing engineer with her Father’s money. But today she didn’t care about that, about them, about a single word they were saying. She thought the distance would get easier with time, but Asami couldn’t think of a day where she went ten minutes without thinking about Korra – the feeling of not knowing was killing her, and all she could think about was the night before Korra left.

Asami had spent all of that day with her, trying to drink up as much of Korra’s time as she could before she would have to give her up for three months. But as the day drew to a close, Asami couldn’t bring herself to leave. When she looked at Korra, she saw her look back at Asami in the same way. She pushed down her insecurity and put on a hesitant smile, suddenly her heart beating a little louder than before, and said _What if I stayed here tonight with you? We can pretend we’re twelve and have a sleepover, I’ll even let you burn my breakfast in the morning._

That got Korra to smile, it was a sleepy and burdened smile, but it was more than Asami had seen most days. And since everything fell apart these moments made Asami feel like she had stumbled upon a pile of gold. Something precious, something worth saving.

They stayed up as long as they could, both girls tiptoeing around the vulnerable position they had both put themselves in. Or maybe it was all in her head. They had never had any hesitancy being physically close before and Korra had always been a tactile person, never realizing how grabbing her bicep to pull Asami towards her or laying her arm over Asami’s shoulder made her heart pick up little by little. It was just a sleepover after all, as silly as it sounded. Korra would see it as Asami just wanting to stay with Korra before saying goodbye.

 _I want to know what it feels like to fall asleep next to you_. Asami would never say it, not even to herself. _I want to be within arm’s reach in case you need me. I want to wake up before the sun rises if you have another nightmare. I know you’ve been scared to fall asleep most nights. I want to wake up next to you, just once, and maybe that will be enough._

When their eyes were heavy with exhaustion and Asami couldn’t make it through a sentence without yawning, Asami crawled into Korra’s bed with her before she could think too much about it. _Korra doesn’t care_. _She certainly never cared about personal space before_. The truth was Asami just couldn’t get in her own head tonight. She didn’t want to tell herself she should sleep on the couch, Korra was leaving tomorrow. They spent a few minutes joking in hushed voices, and Asami did feel like she was twelve years old again – carefree and happy and with everything ahead of her. After one particularly loaded joke at Mako, Korra barked out a laugh that could have woken the whole house and on any other occasion would have shocked Asami into falling out of the bed.

But this time was different. Asami couldn’t stop herself from gasping, she hadn’t heard Korra laugh more than a brief giggle since everything went to hell. She had forgotten how her stomach does flips and her heart jumps in her throat when Korra breaks into laughter like that. Hearing Korra’s loud, awkward, genuine, laugh felt like catching a high, like a four-course meal had been placed in front of her right as she realized she hadn’t eaten in weeks. Korra’s laugh was cut short when she saw and heard Asami’s reaction, instead turning to her to see Asami looking right back. For a moment Asami thought she would do something stupid like kiss Korra, but ten seconds or hours passed before Korra looked away mumbling that they should go to sleep.

So Asami fell asleep.

When she woke up, she couldn’t tell what time it was, it was still dark, the room almost pitch black except for Korra’s outline in the dark. They had turned towards each other in their sleep, and as Asami’s eyes adjusted she recognized Korra already looking at her, then looked down to see her hand over Asami’s where it laid next to Asami’s head. Korra seemed to realize what she was doing and shifted to move her hand away. Asami gripped her hand in hers. Looking up from their now joined hands, Korra searched her eyes. She had never seen the other girl look so hesitant before, like she wanted to say a million things but had forgotten how to speak.

 _Asami I – I don’t– you’re my best friend, you know that?_ Asami saw a flash of something familiar in her eyes. It was the way Asami had been looking at Korra for months.  
 _Of course. You’re my best friend too._

At that Korra seemed to calm, and she let go of Asami’s hand as she turned to sleep facing away from Asami.

That morning Korra had left for the South Pole after Asami tried one last time to convince the other girl to let her come along. She told herself that she would be able to make it through three months without Korra.

So no, Asami could not concentrate in that meeting with the idiotic stockholders, and their stupid questions and their patronizing words. That night played over and over in her head until she bolted up from her seat, the wooden chair scraping the floor under her, and left the room without a word.

Asami didn’t know where she was going, though she led herself to the little park on the edge of Republic City where Korra’s statue stood. She was already crying as she collapsed onto the bench, the statue of the girl she loved looking out at the world past Asami. She pressed her palms to her eyes and she couldn’t keep the thoughts out of her head that had been growing like weeds the longer her letters went unanswered. _What if she’s just like Bolin and Mako, she has just decided that I’m not as important as they previously thought? What if I was wrong, and I was too obvious about how I felt, and it scared her off? What if she never comes back?_ At that, Asami let out a sob and couldn’t find it in herself to care if other people were around to see her tear herself apart.

Which brought her back to this balcony. Where Asami had trudged through three years of half-living and had learned that she was just the kind of person who was built to be alone. She felt her head drop, too tired to cry, and too tired to sleep. It was the kind of exhaustion that came from years of sleepless nights.

She tensed when she heard the balcony door open and footsteps approach her.

“There you are. I was looking for you, I got a little worried you ran off for a second there.” Korra made a little attempt at a joke, though Asami’s mind caught on something else as she turned to look at Korra, still a few paces away from her.  
Korra was dressed in a white tank and loose pants, her hair was messy with sleep, and her voice was still a little groggy. She was beautiful.  
“What do you mean? How did you know I was awake?”  
“Oh, I – um” Korra grabbed at her own upper arms and – was she blushing? No, it was just a trick in the darkness. Maybe Asami was too tired. “I couldn’t sleep and thought I would just check on you. You know, just pop my head in and make sure everything was okay. But then you weren’t there, so I figured you went to make some tea, but then you weren’t in the kitchen so I checked in the study and you weren’t there either so…” Korra made a gesture to the balcony as she joined Asami, pressing her shoulder against hers as they leaned against the railing together. Korra gave her a little nudge.  
“So why are you up anyways?”  
Asami shrugged “I don’t know, I just –“ she looked at Korra, I just woke up and couldn’t fall back to sleep, I wanted to get an early start, I needed a glass of water and got carried away. But she knew she couldn’t lie to her, and as she spoke she heard her own voice break.  
“I’m scared” She felt stupid. She felt like a child, like she was six and had lost her mother on a busy street.  
Korra tried to conceal her shock, though something flashed across her features like she was just realizing that Asami was only being held together at the seams despite her overconfident appearance. Maybe Korra knew what that felt like.  
Asami felt Korra’s hand hover at her waist, and for a moment she thought Korra would wrap her arms around her and pull her closer. Korra’s arm dropped at her side.

“It’s going to be okay, you know that? I’ll make sure you’re safe.”  
Asami felt something like anger boil inside her, an anger that had grown against the universe since she saw how the world treated a young woman who had devoted her life to protect it. She was unable to keep the frustration out of her voice. “It’s not me I’m worried about, Korra, it’s – God, I just got you back. And now Raiko is throwing you back in the ring and I can’t – I’m not even a bender. I can’t stand next to you all the time and fight with you like the others can.” Asami would have felt bad about Korra flinching at her tone if she hadn’t recovered so quickly, almost jumping to the defense of a world that takes and takes and take.  
“It’s my duty, Asami. I want to do this. I –“  
“I don’t care about what your ‘duty’ is, I care about you it doesn’t matter if you’re the Avatar. I can’t – I can’t lose you again, Korra. I can’t keep you safe out there.”  
Right as Asami drops her head in her hands she feels Korra gently place her hand on her lower back before tightening as it slides around her waist, turning Asami until Korra can reach both arms around her. Asami instinctively grasped onto Korra, almost desperately, hiding her face in the spot where her neck meets her shoulder as if that will protect her from the oncoming storm.

“I’m sorry. I left you all on your own and I should’ve, I should’ve done a million things to keep you and I didn’t. I just let you go. I’m so so sorry, Asami.”  
“You were right to leave. I couldn’t help you and I fell short.” _Just like always_  
“No, fuck, Asami, you were the only thing keeping me sane back then. You were the only one who – who treated me like I wasn’t broken.”  
“You weren’t, you aren’t”  
“I know that now.” Korra pulled back a little bit, despite Asami clutching onto her for dear life. She still held onto Asami’s shoulders as her hands fell around Korra’s waist. Her mind spoke up before she could push down the thought, any stranger looking at us would think we are lovers.

“Korra, you’re more than the Avatar. You’re so much more than that and I don’t, I couldn’t go on with you thinking you’re replaceable. That you can sacrifice yourself for the world.” _You’re everything. I built my life around you and losing you, really losing you, would kill me._  
“I don’t care about the world; I care about you staying here with me.”

Korra shifted one arm down from Asami’s shoulder to her bicep and placed her other hand gently against Asami’s cheek, and it felt more like a graze from the wind than the touch of a girl. She would have been embarrassed by how she still held onto Korra as though letting go of her would be like losing a limb if Korra hadn’t been holding her in the same way. The universe was falling apart around them and they had decided to hold onto each other for balance.

“You’re the most important person to me, you know that? You’re my family.”

 _You’re my family_. Asami had gone so long without a family, without people to call home. And now here Korra was, claiming her as a member of her own. To think now that she had felt for so long that she was something Korra would toss aside seemed disgraceful now. To know Korra thought of her as something to keep lifted a weight she had been carrying with her for three years. _You’re my family too, but I don’t know if you want me in the way I want you. Family in the way that I want to be by your side for the rest of your life, in the way that I would give you my name if you asked for it. That I would build a family with you, that I would stay for as long as you had me. What does it mean to you?_

Korra grinned, trying to lighten the air around them by making a terribly heartbreaking joke. “Truly. I’m not joking. I’d die for you. I mean, you’re probably indestructible and anyone would be stupid to try anything with a girl who rivaled Kyoshi’s height, but still.”  
Asami didn’t like the joke. “I don’t want you to die for me, I want you to live.”  
“Yeah, you’re right. Dying’s too easy and it’s super overrated. The whole dramatic ‘I’d martyr myself to save my true love’ thing is so Avatar Kuruk.” She could barely register what Korra was saying, her hearing went fuzzy at the mention of Korra being anything but safe and secure and loved.

Asami was dragged out of her own head when she felt Korra’s lips press against her forehead, it wasn’t really a kiss, and it could have been taken in any way, not necessarily romantic, just one person telling another person they loved them beyond words. And Korra pulled back, completely out of Asami’s arms. She felt freezing all of the sudden. Korra tugged on her hand before Asami could become self-conscious.

“But if you’re so worried about it, I’ll stay out of harm’s way, okay? Come on, you should get some rest. I’ll tell Tenzin that you need to sleep an extra hour when he wakes in the morning.” Korra was already pulling Asami back inside, away from the balcony, before she could protest.

“Do you want me to stay with you? I can just stay until you fall asleep. You know, if you need a hug or something.” Korra was grinning her crooked smile again, trying to offer Asami a lifeline while still letting her know _It’s okay, you can be vulnerable with me. Things don’t have to change._

Asami was back to that dreaded night again, the last night before Korra left her. And couldn’t help but think this was another parting gift before Korra left again.

But things were different now. They were moving forward. Asami felt stronger than she did an hour ago knowing that she had a solid place in Korra’s life. That Korra was stronger than she was three years ago, and that she was able to pick herself up on her own. She felt stronger knowing Korra had promised to stay alive.

“Okay.”

When Asami climbed into bed, she did her best to take up as little space as possible, leaving Korra room to stay away from Asami if she felt like it.

But Korra jumped into bed, making Asami nearly fall onto the floor until she bolted up and caught herself. She looked over to see Korra still smiling at her, suddenly looking like the girl she met all those years ago. They had grown up so much since then.

“This is _just_ like a sleepover. You know I never really had sleepovers growing up? I don’t know why, I’m clearly a great roommate.”

Asami smiled and steadied herself back into her previous position, laying as close to the edge of the bed as possible, her back to Korra. That didn’t last longer than a minute before she felt Korra’s hand around her waist pulling Asami back to her.

“Is this okay? I know I’m like a human heater, it’s okay if you get too hot.”  
She was giving Asami an out, an _it’s okay if you don’t want this, things don’t have to change._ They were both dancing around, well, something Asami was too scared to name. They both knew it, but there was no time to voice it. There were far greater things to worry about.

But they could still pretend, just for an hour or two, that they could have this. What’s more important than this? Certainly not Republic City, certainly not a war.

Asami placed a hand over Korra’s where it laid on her stomach. She heard Korra’s breath hitch.

“It’s okay.”


End file.
